man, my tripoverseas was crazy! i went travelling to japan, africa and france and now im back in japan again till 3rd of feb till i get back home in australia. thanks to the not so nice food in africa i lost 6.6pounds (3kgs) and im super happy about it. during the 2 weeks im here im planning to lose 6 more pounds. i bet i can do it. i drastically lost weight by reducing my rice intake and almost iliminating bread. its great! i also have been taking these diet pills which works like magic!

im going to get my extensions done tomorrow! i have to spend about $200 but i guess it will be worth it. i am soo motivated to lose weight. when my boyfreind picks me up from the airport i wanna shock him

xx

yesturday's intake:

b: fruits

l: bukwheat noodles

d: rice, boiled vege's, beans and tofu

snacks: few bites of my sisters green tea icecream. 4 slices of chips

todays intake:

b:fruits

l: spaghethit

d: okoomiyaki (vegetable pancake)

snacks: some popcorn and half a cheese cake

i ate too much today

I am like a kid. I want someone to hold me forver and never let me go. I want someone to protect me from monsters and make promises that they will make all my nightmares disapear. I want someone to promise me that what ever I do wrong they will forgive me. That is where I'm wrong. I want too much from my boyfriend. I want too much in a relationship. And worst of all, I cant even reciprocate my wants to the one im suppose to love. Why is that? I think I'm still scared of being hurt, being relied on. When I was 14 my boyfreind deppended on me soo much that he threatened to commit suicide when I tried to break up with him and even now he keeps in contact with me telling me that I was the only person in his whole life that cared about him. The sad thing is, I tried so hard to change his life, but in the end it was only him who can take a step and make a move..but he didn't and there was nothing I can do. My current boyfreind also depends on me a lot because he can barely speak English and his family is back in Afghanistan and he is in Australia alone. I feel that he relies on me a little bit too much. For instance although he gives me his cards to pay his bills he expects me to do them. He expects me to put on the alarm to make sure he wakes up for the right time to work. I cant be with someone who depends on me...I want to depend on someone for onece.Selfish I know. But I do feel like i want to be there for him, to help him, but sometimes its just too much.

I know when I fall he will catch me, but right now its me who is standing strong. Although there is so much wrong with our relationship I love it the way he...call's me janoo(baby), the way he tells me that he will look after me and stay with me forever, the way he always tries to make up for what he did wrong, the way he cooks and cleans. He's kind and treats eveyone with respect, he truely sees every human being as equals, he's very sensitive(some times too much) and shows deep sympathy for anothers misfortune.

I dont wan't to break up with him, but i want things to change. I know the only way to do that is to react differently in different situations where i would rather not do something (for example pay the bills) I want him to appriciate and understand how muh i actually do for him..although im sure he does. I don't know I think its because at the moment i find it hard to do anything for anyone because i cant trust anybody or feel scared to be screwed over. I know I shouldn't have any expectations for specific reactions in different situations...and I do. gahh....

This is why today, while taking a bath and thinking I decided..If I really learn to take care of myself, my body and be the best I can be and confirm to myself that it's not me, it's him, then only I can leave him. If I brush up my life and my personality and stop being such a kid and grow up a bit then maybe he will change too. In my attempt to better my-self I also have to be the prettiest I can be..and ofcorse I have to loose weight for that! So I have from today till the 3rd of Febuary to loose 5kgs.. I want to be 47kgs! I can do that, that is easy considering the time i have to loose it. Onece I loose the weight and prove to myself that for onece i can accomplish my goals...then I can decided whether to leave him or not!

xx